He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
