I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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