No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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