she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Randomize
