i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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