Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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