One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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