Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
