I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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