in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
