The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
