How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
