I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
