I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
