I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
