Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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