I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
