All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
