Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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