Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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