Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
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Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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