I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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