Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
