I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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