Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
