dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
