i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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