I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
