Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
