if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
