dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
