"it" just moved
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
