Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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