There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
