My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
