i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
