what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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