someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
