Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
