Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
