I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
