Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
