I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
