Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
