Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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