What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
