sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
