So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
