she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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