I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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