it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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