I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
