If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
