i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
