Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
whose parrot is this?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
