Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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