You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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