So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
